A bit about me...
I have two life skills. The first, perpetual sarcasm. The second, extremely fast typing. Seriously, that's all I've got to bring to the table.
If you ever find yourself in a life threatening crisis situation and require an SOS message to be typed up exceptionally fast, then I'm your girl. Otherwise, I've got nothing. Except, no doubt, a few inappropriately placed sarcastic remarks about said crisis.
The culmination of my two life skills is a regular flow of lengthy emails to my nearest and dearest. What can be said in one sentence, extends out to a few paragraphs without actually getting to the point. Filled with a few punchy one-liners, but not getting to the point before putting them on the edge of a comatose state.
After suffering from a numb bum, severe fatigue and dehydration after reading yet another of my they did what?! emails about the kids, my cousin suggested (begged and pleaded) I start a Blog. To channel my sarcasm and speedy fingers into something that was not necessarily directed at her all the time. She is a therapist, and therefore I took this as her professional care plan, and so my Blog was started.
Shortly after commencing, I was lucky enough to receive a mention in The Sunday Times STM Entertainment magazine's Going Up and Going Down section. I'm expecting hate mail any day now from Kanye West, whose long awaited apology to America's sweetheart, Taylor Swift, was going down, while my new Blog was going up. I tell you this purely to gain credibility, in the hope it'll glean your interest enough to read on as I post future accounts of my day to day monumental parenting stuff-up's.
I won't mention #1 Hubby too much at this point. He's a little irked at me for recently writing a guest post on a fellow's blogger's site regarding his obsession with scars (that are not actually scars), and what he uses to cover them up. I may also have mentioned his aversion to snakes (tiny legless lizards) and how he ensures he doesn't get bitten (by placing his kids between him and the lizard/snake). While I wouldn't risk the wrath of #1 Hubby further to recount the whole story on here - by all means, send me a message and I will totally send you the story.
My sarcasm is primed and fed by my three kids. I love them dearly, they are my whole world. They are also of my genetic make up, and therefore, prone to acts of unco-ordination, random stupidity, vagueness, dopey statements, and many other what was that?! type moments. Seriously, some of this stuff needs to be told. It's cruel and unusual punishment to expect a sarcasm expert to keep all that to themselves.
The oldest. She and I are in constant competition to see who can pull off the illusion of being a Miss25. While I like to think that I usually win, Miss5 recently told me she kissed a boy at school (with as much excitement and enthusiasm as if she was telling me about eating a plate of broccoli), so she may have me beat at the moment. She recently advised me that she would like to be a Supermodel when she grows up...but without clothes. While this should concern me, I'm overly phased - because I don't have the heart to tell her that, at the grand old age of 5, she is probably already too big for the toothpick sized Supermodel - the kind you would loose if they turned side-on. She is my shopping companion who has zero interest in learning to read - but can recognise any label or logo in the world, and will cut your arm off to get to the Target catalogue first.
Following Miss5, and currently the bane of her existence, are the Twin Tornado's, the Terrible Twosome.
Mstr2 who probably should've been the Miss. He's prone to random temper tantrums aimed at nothing in particular. I mean NOTHING. He'll be alone in a room and go postal at nothing. He has a screech that could shatter glass, and I'm equal parts thankful and surprised that it hasn't done so to date. He is also deathly pale, with white blonde hair and bright blue eyes. When he's in full tantrum mode, his entire head glows red, and he resembles an angry albino tomato. But one with lovely bright blue eyes. When not raging at the universe, he is a lover of all things pink and purple. He'll ignore a boys toy to get to a lip gloss, Barbie Doll, or Dora the Explorer handbag. That one is his current favourite, and he won't leave the house without it firmly planted under his arm. Sometimes I just smile when people say I have lovely twin girls. I can totally see how they'd come to that conclusion.
Miss2 probably should've been the Mstr in the same way that Mstr2 should've been the Miss. She's the resident ninja tyrant, who rules the toy room through fear and intimidation. She is often found flouncing around the living room in a circle, stalking and stomping, while yelling random toddler babble in an authoritative manner and throwing her hands in the air. If she doesn't end up as a Drill Sergeant, the Army will be missing out. She is the roughest, toughest kid I've ever met. Lucky for her, she looks like a girl on the outside and has everyone wrapped around her finger. When she's not using it to shove her brother around. Or try and tear the head off a stuffed toy. She'll eat anything in sight, with a particular tendency towards cat biscuits and sand. As a result, we've upgraded to the most expensive cat food money can buy (never occurred to us to try and stop her eating the cat's food - but that's our parenting in a nutshell), and we only use top quality sand in the sand pit. I also make #1 Hubby sift it regularly, which he hates, just so she's not consuming anything untoward - you know, in amongst all the SAND that is a staple of her diet alongside the CAT BISCUITS.
So this is us, in a semi-brief manner of speaking.
Hope you'll stick with me - I plan to post my latest epic parenting failure every few days. And that's showing amazing restraint, because I could probably post hourly if I was to detail all of my many parenting mistakes and mishaps.
Initially, I will be amending and posting tales I've already outed myself for over at my blog. I'll be taking the most popular posts from there and amending them for here.
If you just can't wait to see what happens next - then, by all means, please check out my main blog site and follow me over there.